コース名 TOEFL Writing 作文日 2009/3/11
レッスン番号 Education 11 添削日 2009/3/11
課題 Education 担当講師 Charles
 
添削総評
１ コミュニケーションの妨げになるようなミスがある。
２ 伝えたいことはわかるが、相手が少し誤解してしまう可能性がある。
３ 伝えたいことは相手に伝わっているが、表現にややぎこちなさがある。
４ ほぼネイティブのようなレベルである。
５ 完璧である。
 
添削結果
課題質問： Do you agree or disagree with the following statement? All students should be required to study art and music in secondary school. Use specific reasons to support your answer.
   
添削結果  
あなたのパラグラフ１ I agree with the statement that all students should be required to study art and music in secondary school for the following reasons.
指摘箇所 なし
添削結果 なし
解説 Your sentence is correct, but I suggest writing a more well-developed paragraph for your introduction. You should write 2 -4 sentences for your introduction and begin with a general statement about the topic. The sentence that you wrote could be the last sentence of your introduction. Here's an example:

Art and Music has been a part of school curricula for centuries, but some people think it's a waste of time. On the other hand, some people believe that art and music should be required subjects. Although I realize some students may not enjoy art and music, I agree that they should be required for the following reasons.
評価 ３ 伝えたいことは相手に伝わっているが、表現にややぎこちなさがある。
単語ポイント  
 
あなたのパラグラフ２ First, secondary school students can understand other cultures more clearly than elementary school if studying art and music is required. For example, in 1988 when I was at Waseda Junior High School which was private school in Tokyo, Japan, I was required to study European classic art and music. I did not know them much until I was in elementary school because it was too difficult for elementary school students to understand what it was and what was different from Japanese culture. However, when I was at the junior high school, I understood them very much and I understood how different they were from Japanese cultures. So, I got interested in European culture and later, when I was in university, I traveled around Europe for a month. As the above example shows, studying art and music helps secondary school students understand other cultures more clearly.
指摘箇所 First, secondary school students can understand other cultures more clearly than elementary school if studying art and music is required. For example, in 1988 when I was at Waseda Junior High School which was ( ) private school in Tokyo, Japan, I was required to study European classic art and music. I did not know them much until I was in elementary school because it was too difficult for elementary school students to understand what it was and what was different from Japanese culture. However, when I was at the junior high school, I understood them very much and I understood how different they were from Japanese cultures. So, I got interested in European culture and later, when I was in university, I traveled around Europe for a month. As the above example shows, studying art and music helps secondary school students understand other cultures more clearly.
添削結果 First, secondary school students would be able to understand other cultures more clearly than elementary school students if studying art and music were required. For example, in 1988 when I was at Waseda Junior High School, which was a private school in Tokyo, Japan, I was required to study European classical art and music. I did not know much about them while I was in elementary school because it was too difficult for elementary school students to understand what they were and how they were different from Japanese art and music. However, when I was in the junior high school, I learned a lot about them and I understood how different they were from Japanese cultures. As a result, , I got interested in European culture and later, when I was in university, I traveled around Europe for a month. As the above example shows, studying art and music helps secondary school students understand other cultures more clearly. 
解説 Let's use the third conditional for this kind of topic since the topic is about something which is imaginary; in fact, art and music are not required subjects at every school. Example: If art and music were required, students would benefit greatly.

You tend to repeat the word "understand" again and again. Try to use more appropriate vocabulary. For example, before we can "understand" something, we must "learn about" something, or "study" something closely.
評価 ３ 伝えたいことは相手に伝わっているが、表現にややぎこちなさがある。
単語ポイント  
 
あなたのパラグラフ３ Second, students in secondary school can add more choices to their future jobs if studying art and music is required. For instance, when I was at the junior high school, I was taught by a music teacher, Ms. Ishihara, who was a famous pianist and her play was excellent. I had not played piano at all until I was in elementary school, however, thanks to her, I got interested in playing piano and even though I had thought that I would be a lawyer so far, I became to think that being a pianist was one of choices in my life. It was very useful for me to think what job makes my life happier. As the above example illustrates, secondary school students add many choices to their future jobs. 
指摘箇所 Second, students in secondary school can add more choices to their future jobs if studying art and music is required. For instance, when I was at the junior high school, I was taught by a music teacher, Ms. Ishihara, who was a famous pianist and her play was excellent. I had not played piano at all until I was in elementary school, however, thanks to her, I got interested in playing piano and even though I had thought that I would be a lawyer so far, I became to think that being a pianist was one of choices in my life. It was very useful for me to think what job makes my life happier. As the above example illustrates, secondary school students add many choices to their future jobs. 
添削結果 Second, students in secondary school might consider more choices for their future jobs if studying art and music were required. For instance, when I was at the junior high school, I was taught by a music teacher, Ms. Ishihara, who was a famous pianist and an excellent player. I had not played piano at all until I was in elementary school. However, thanks to her, I got interested in playing piano and, even though I had always thought that I would be a lawyer until then, I came to think that being a pianist was one of choices in my life. It was very useful for me to think about what job would make my life happier. I believe other students might respond to studying art and music the same way I did.
解説 It is good that you summarize your point at the end of the paragraph; however, it is best to avoid repeating the same words. Try to use different language to make the same point.
評価 ３ いいたいことは誤解なく伝わっています。ややぎこちない表現があります。
単語ポイント  
 
あなたのパラグラフ４ Therefore, I strongly believe that all students should be required to study art and music in secondary school.
指摘箇所 Therefore, I strongly believe that all students should be required to study art and music in secondary school.
添削結果

For these reasons, I strongly believe that all students should be required to study art and music in secondary school.
解説

"Therefore" usually follows one reason. In this case, you have offered several reasons for your opinion. "For these reasons" is a more appropriate expression.

Again, it is best to have at least three sentences in each paragraph. For example, you can concede other points of view and then summarize your opinion. Example:

Surely there are many students who are not interested in art and music. However, for the reasons I have given, I strongly believe that studying art and music has a lot of benefits and should be required for secondary school students.
評価 ４ ほぼネイティブのようなレベルである。
単語ポイント  
 
コメント解説・アドバイス
質問・コメント なし
コメント Hi Toshi,

Your essay was nicely written. The ideas were clear and easy to follow. Please work on more well-developed introductions and conclusions. Also, please review the third-conditional grammar form and be careful with prepositions.


Good luck.
Charles